How to ask them to send files

The secret to asking for sexy photos without offending the person

Before, if you had a nude depiction of someone in your possession, it was likely a nude model in a magazine. Now millions of people are walking around with nude pictures of ordinary people in their pockets in the form of digital pictures that someone has sent them.

With the proliferation of cell phones and the proliferation of smartphone cameras, the cameras looked like pedestrians, and so the concept of nude photography flourished. Over the past decade, files have become an incredibly common currency in modern dating. These days, you may exchange files with someone you matched up with on Tinder without ever meeting them in real life.

But just because nudes themselves are popular and commonplace these days doesn’t mean you have access to them in particular. Depending on your relationship status and your place in the general dating ecosystem, you may have been sent hundreds – or you have not received any.

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And if you’re new to the nude game, you might be wondering how to get involved. How can you convince someone to send you their nude pictures, exactly? Well, a number of real sex and dating experts are here to clear it all up.

Here’s how to correctly ask someone to send you a nude picture

1. Is it okay to ask for files?

If no one has offered to send you nudes, you may think it’s time to ask around instead of waiting indefinitely for something that may never come.

And you’re right – kind of.

« Asking a partner for an act can be a good move if you’re already flirting or sexting, » says NYC-based dating coach Connell Barrett. “Exchanging files can just be a fun, sexy form of escalation. For the right two people, sharing nudes can be an adrenaline rush, making you both feel desired and sexy. It can increase the connection and attraction that you both already feel. « 

But, he notes, “remember to never send unsolicited files. Always make sure that the other person has agreed to receive your pictures. « 

Jess O’Reilly, Ph.D., host of the @SexWithDrJess podcast, agrees that sending and receiving nudes is highly individual.

“That depends on your partner,” she says. “Some people like to send nudes and some don’t. It’s not just about how long you’ve been together or how well you know your partner. Some people are open to sending nudes from the start, others are not interested in sending nudes after years of marriage. It’s a matter of personal preference and there is no right or wrong feeling. « 

Not sure if the person you want to see naked is a nude divider or not? Well, there is an easy way to find out.

« Ask your partner what they think of sharing nudes, » says O’Reilly, « and respect their preferences – you don’t want to pressure them into doing something they’re not comfortable with. »

When you are in a relationship with the person you are asking, you have some leeway in asking the question. Even if they refuse, you likely have a chance to explain yourself (and smooth things out if they have a bad taste in your mouth). However, asking a crush, online dating match, or acquaintance is a lot more complicated.

« With a crush (someone you don’t know very well), you should be even more attentive to their feelings, » notes O’Reilly. “Some people find it offensive and aggressive to be asked about nudes, so ask them more generally what they think of sending nudes rather than sending a direct request. Be specific, « How do you feel about sharing nude photos? » If they are open to this, ask what is the ideal circumstances for requesting / sharing photos.  »

2. Why files, whether sending or receiving, are really complex

Depending on your experience, it may or may not be obvious to you that files are a little complicated. Not sure what that means? Well, sharing or exchanging sexy pictures with someone else seems like the most natural thing in the world to you, but it is worth remembering that there are several valid reasons someone might not want to do this.

« Someone can turn down a request for nudes for very good reasons, » says Barrett. “Maybe you are aware of your body or you are afraid that you will share the photos with others. They want to fully respect their reasons when they refuse and never bother them. « 

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This second reason is probably the root of great reluctance when it comes to nudes.

“We never know what the future will bring!” Says Mayla Green, sex and relationship trainer at « When the relationship goes wrong and the couple split up in a bad relationship, knowing that the ex has nude photos in his possession is a scary thought. You can try to get revenge and put them online. Once a nude photo is shared online, it is virtually impossible to remove. This is the real worry for most people, but they won’t say it directly because it implies the relationship will end badly. « 

Instead, she says, they could offer alternative excuses like low self-esteem or poor body image. While that doesn’t mean these excuses are entirely fictitious, it is possible that a lack of trust plays a more important role in the other person’s unwillingness to share.

Another factor to consider? The fact that female nudes are often treated differently than male nudes due to aspects of our culture known as « slut shaming ».

« There are no universal differences, but often women are scrutinized when expressing themselves sexually, » says O’Reilly. « This is not always the case and can vary based on a number of factors – including your age, sexual orientation, relationship status, race, and body type. »

Still, the possibility that a woman will face some form of slut embarrassment just for sharing once naked is a real problem. Ultimately, however, file swapping is about trust, ”says Barrett. « If the other person doesn’t trust you, they won’t send you nudes. »

3. How to ask someone about files

At this point, you should be aware that asking for nudes can be difficult, and the chances are that you will be turned away for reasons beyond your control.

However, this does not mean that there is no value in finding a tactful way to discuss the subject. The truth is, lots of people – yes, women too! – Want to share files. For the same reasons that you might want to share your own, other people might want to share theirs.

But until you know how the other person feels about nudes, you are likely to look bad. As with many other things in life and dating, if you come across as a weirdo, idiot, or sex maniac, you are unlikely to get what you want.

« Don’t just say, ‘Send me nudes.’ Directness is not the answer, ”says Barrett. « A great way to do this – for straight men dating women – is to find the timing right. »

Bringing the topic up when you’re both in the mood, Barrett says, reduces your chances of looking just focused on one thing, as it’s a more natural transition.

“You can ask someone to send a nude by genuinely complimenting them on how sexy and beautiful they are. Remember, all you are doing is asking someone to send you nudes to keep them emotionally charged. They may feel objectified or feel insecure about their body. So first let them know how attractive and sexy they are. Your job is to make them feel beautiful and wanted, whether or not they decide to pose for you and hit the ‘send’ button.  »

He suggests you tell her how much you miss her body.

‘Maybe you could send me some sexy pictures of you to remind me.’

“It’s not so much about the words, but about [slowly getting] The two of you in one place where you can share X-rated images, « notes Barrett, » and have a fun, sexy time with them. « 

And when in doubt? It wouldn’t hurt just to judge whether you are interested in the concept of file sharing – especially good advice if you are new to each other.

“Ask them if they’re interested in sharing nudes,” says O’Reilly. « Present it as an option, as opposed to something you’re trying to convince them of. »

« Do you want to take nude pictures and share them? »

« You can also offer to share your file if you are interested. »

If your request is denied, it is important to deal with the situation without being intrusive or rude.

« Don’t worry about saving face, » she adds. « Instead, show your partner respect, regardless of gender. »

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As exciting as it can be to receive a nude, you have no right to see anyone’s files, and you cannot simply deserve to see them by doing a certain thing or a series of things. Nudes are always something that is shared when the sender feels like it, and you can’t force anyone to feel something.

However, if you know how to bring up the subject without being an idiot – and you are respectful enough to see why someone might not want to say yes – your chances will definitely improve.

And that’s the bare truth.

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