My wife and I have a great ENM marriage. We have two couples that we are friends with who we meet regularly for sex, and we both have solo FWB relationships. During COVID, we started posting images on Reddit that were well received. This resulted in my wife opening an OnlyFans account, why not? So at what point do we spill the beans on our FWBs? We don’t show our faces on OnlyFans, we use fake names, and only post content that was created with people who know they’ll be blown on OnlyFans. Is that just « our secret » and does no harm to anyone, so who cares? Or do our FWBs have a right to it?—Post intimate content
You are under no obligation to tell your casual sex partners that you have an OnlyFans account where you share photos and videos you take with your other casual sex partners. OnlyFans seems like something you should be able to share with your FWBs, but « You should be able » ≠ « You have to be. »
Cis-het black woman. I’ve been working on myself for some time and as a side effect I now have standards and am not satisfied with mediocre partners. For me, a quality partner is a cis or trans man (a penis haber) who is an ally of the equality movements (sex, gender, race, etc.), who is emotionally healthy, kink-positive and can afford a life of his own. Where can you find a person who meets these criteria? I tried Tinder, Bumble, OkCupid and FetLife etc. with no luck.—I will never settle down
There is no acclimatization without acclimatization. If you’re lucky, you’ll meet someone who comes close to what you want – for example, an employed penis with a penis, who is an ally of the equality movements everywhere, but not exactly perverted, but is open-minded and managed to get there. Or an emotionally healthy, kink-positive student with a penis who is not in the dough right now, but has a realistic career plan. And where do you find the guy? Well, you might be lucky enough to find him on one of the websites you are already on – keep these profiles updated – or you might be lucky and meet him through friends, at work, at a bar, etc. Stick around at the same time, NGS, because you never know when your bad luck will run out.
I’m a 34 year old woman and my husband (who is only two years old!) Took me by surprise by texting a request for a separation on my birthday in June and a divorce a month later. We owned a house and ran a business together. Needless to say … this all sucks. I had to start all over my life. I’ve settled in a new home with a new job and am trying to be a badass in the whole situation. But it was a lot. I’ve been going back and forth about when to start going out again. I’m feeling increasing pressure to « get out » and I’m back to the apps, but I spend about a week into each new flirt. Why am I hesitating?– Shying away from love, knowing I’m nervous, Gah!
Hmm … I suspect you may be hesitating, BALKING, because your soon-to-be ex-husband stepped on your heart and turned your life upside down less than six months ago. And you’re doing great: you have a new apartment, you have a new job and you recently got back into the apps. You might not be ready to date again this minute, but the return to apps is a sign that you will soon be. It can be helpful to lower the temperature with the people you connect with online (be chatty, not flirtatious), as well as keeping the stakes down on early dates when you’re ready (a quick coffee, no dinner ). You can do that!
I recently read that in your column: “PIV or PIT or PIB”. OK, I know PIV (« penis in vagina »). But the other two? I’ve been reading you for years and I’m at a loss!—He is totally confused by creative acronyms
Hmm … you could probably have done this on your own, CACTH, if you had thought about it for a moment. Besides vaginas (PIV) … where else do penises go? PIT stands for « penis in the throat » and PIB stands for « penis in the buttocks ». I could have gone with PIM (« Penis in Mouth ») and PIA (« Penis in Ass ») I guess, but why not go to the rhyme? (Oh, and ENM means « ethical non-monogamy ».)
I just discovered your column. I’ve been reading you for a month. Four weeks, four disgusting columns. I don’t care about the sex life of strangers. If you don’t re-evaluate your content, I won’t read any further.– Disgusted
If you have just finished reading your letter, D, and you are reading my reply, you will want to stop reading now. Because you really won’t like the next few letters.
I am a 24 year old woman in a mostly happy marriage. My husband is not interested in oral sex. At all. Don’t give, don’t accept. This is the most consistent way of achieving orgasm in previous relationships. I miss this type of intimacy so much that I am now curious if it is legal to put peanut butter on me in the hopes that my dog will come to me of its own accord – informally – and lick it off. From a legal point of view, I don’t think of it any differently than when a dog eats something out of the hand. I did not do it. But I am curious about your opinion. If you have any other recommendations on how to achieve that specific feeling of oral sex when you don’t have a willing partner, I appreciate your advice.– Disgusting Obsession Big Girl Out
You are 24 years old and your sex life with your husband is so pathetically unsatisfactory that you are seriously considering getting your dog to eat you, which is illegal in many places. (Since I don’t know where you live, DOGGO, you’ll have to google it yourself.) My advice: put the peanut butter down and walk away. Then get divorced, get a lover (a human one), or get one of those new clitoris-sucking sex toys that – according to the reviews I’ve read from people with clitoris – do a pretty amazing job of simulating that specific sensations of oral sex. Damn it, take all three!
I have a question about urethral sounding. My husband wanted me to do this to him for two years and I finally did it. It was interesting! But I wonder what the harmful effects this could be if we did it over the long term.—Inquiries about the ingestion of urethral sounds
Urethral sound – shoving a well-lubricated stainless steel rod into a person’s urethra – is a real medical procedure with legitimate medical purposes (easy to google too!), But some people enjoy recreational sounds, both because it feels like (well, I’m told) and what it symbolizes (penetrate the penetrator of a penetrator). As long as you are using sterilized sounds and sterile lubricant, you and your husband should be able to sound regularly. Aside from increasing the risk of occasional urinary tract infections, it’s not too much of a risk of injury – as long as you don’t force it, stop if pain or blood occurs and you’ll have access to an autoclave.
Someone has assigned a man with male genitalia at birth but estrogen to feminize his appearance and identifies as a trans agender. Curious how to recognize their sexuality. You are only attracted to people who identify as women or femme-nonbinary. So how does someone without gender define their sexuality if they are only attracted to one gender identity?—Small attractions make the multifaceted identity difficult
« It’s complicated. »
Also, I’m pretty sure that it is wrong to unite all « women or non-binary women » into a single « gender identity ». (And would lead to a Title 9 complaint with Oberlin.) I mean, I’ve known personally and biblically gay men who identify as femmes, and there are a lot of femme-non-binary people out there – AMAB, AFAB, ACAB – the objection would be to be lumped into a single category with bare women. It’s all so very, very complicated. Which is great, of course, because we can’t keep talking about climate change and the growing threat of authoritarianism, can we?
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