While it’s true that sex can absolutely get better with age, we never fully outgrow these deeply awkward, uncomfortable, and awkward moments of intimacy just because we gain a little more experience. Add in the complications of keeping your sex life exciting, healthy, and fun as you grow together, raise a family, and grapple with ever-busy schedules, and there’s plenty of room for more and more shudders to get past the awkward premieres.
We looked at Reddit, the most prolific bastion of fear and discomfort, and found some deeply uncomfortable sex stories that show how persistent and uncomfortable sex moments can be all your life.
Early morning visitors with questions
“Once, my wife and I start it first thing in the morning. We’re under the covers, and that’s a good thing, because my three-year-old son snuck into the room. We didn’t even notice until he quickly jumped on the bed and jumps on my back. He looked over my shoulder at my wife and said ‘what are you doing?’ Well, that destroyed the mood pretty quickly. «
Lunch visitors with heavy questions
“My husband works out of town. He’s gone two weeks and comes home for a week. He is definitely “ready to go” when he comes home. The day he comes home, we have sex in the middle of the day and he does me doggystyle. I have a big ass so there is this wonderful slap in the face when he pokes. My three year old who was downstairs comes up and starts knocking on our bedroom door.
She says, ‘What’s in there? Mom are you alright Does dad hit you? ‘ My husband went on like a champ but I laughed so much. Super embarrassing. So we usually wait for the kids to go to bed. My husband doesn’t hit me either. I don’t know where that came from in her head. «
Amazing sexual harm
“He put his hand under my back to pick me up to change position, and one of my ribs popped out in the end. To this day it is the worst pain I have ever experienced. «
Heart attacks and fart attacks
“Two stories, both with my wife.
1: I had a heart attack the first time I had sex with my wife (then girlfriend). She thought I was done with her and got extremely angry.
2: Years later she was on top of me while I was on my back and I said something stupid and she started laughing. She started laughing so hard that she farted … while I was inside her … which made her laugh even more and peed all over me … makes for a funny memory. «
– Sterling _-_ Archer
Some anatomy lessons come later than others
“He fingered my navel. I can only guess he thought it was my clitoris, but how?
Edit: Yes, yes, it’s an erogenous zone for some people, but I’m pretty sure he thought it was my clitoris because when he finally touched my actual clitoris he was surprised. Yes, I communicated. No, he wasn’t even close to knocking me out or close enough to try. «
A case against adult slumber parties
“We had sex in the dark and I wanted to come upstairs, but I misjudged how close we were to the edge of the bed.
In the end I fell off the bed and dragged him down with me and onto a couple of friends who were sleeping on the floor. «
A version of this story was published in February 2020.
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